


Wild Beast

by coldwarqueer



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Asexual Character, Asexual Maine, Asexual Wash, Multi, The Mother of Invention is a Sex Ship, Wash has Asthma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 04:45:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwarqueer/pseuds/coldwarqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the other agents pair up, and Wash is left single. Not that he minds. He comes to realize Agent Maine is single as well. South is a dick. Wash will never, ever call Florida "daddy."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wild Beast

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for a pretty graphic anxiety attack

The _Mother of Invention_ , it seemed, was full of sex.

And if it wasn't sex, it was blatant public displays of affection. Wash felt every direction he turned there was someone making out, there was someone undressing, there was someone doing the unholiest of holies, _somewhere_ , wherever he went. It made his gut turn and his asthma act up- the medics told him it was all anxiety, and it would mellow out after adjusting to the social atmosphere.

After several months he was still waiting to adjust.

Agent Washington didn't do sex. He didn't have sex, he didn't initiate sex, he didn't _talk_ about sex. It didn't bother him. It didn't upset him. What _did_ upset him, was the disregard everyone had for _their own_ privacy. South had told him to just suck it up.

"In the _showers_? Come on!" Wash backed out of the shower, face red, nothing but a towel around his waist. He had seen CT and South go at it hundreds of times by now- but this was the locker room (and he was _well_ aware of the hanky panky that went on there, regardless of all the hell he raised), that was the showers, where he was meant to get _clean_.

"You're so high strung, Wash," the gentle voice of Florida was behind him. When Wash turned he was face to chest with the other Freelancer, a lot closer and a lot more naked than he had ever been comfortable with. Dozens of filthy images of Wyoming and Florida in the kitchen, in the locker room, in the break room, _on the training floor_ , flooded his head, and he wished he could scrub them clean. "You need to relax a little."

Wash knew better to think that was an invitation- Wyoming would skin him alive if he even assumed. "Thanks- thanks for your concern."

"If I didn't have a ball and chain around my leg named Wyoming I would pick you up, give you a big bear hug and make you call me daddy." Wash didn't get the chance to give an awkward thank you before Florida grappled his arms around him, squashing Wash's face against his dark chest and lifting him six inches off the ground.

 _Thank god for a ball and chain named Wyoming_ , Wash thought.

"I can call you daddy any time," Wyoming said from behind, snapping Florida's behind with his towel. Wash had a feeling he was going to get his ass beat down by Wyoming next time they were training.

While Florida was distracted, laughing and making jokes (filthy, filthy jokes, with too many expletives and too sweet a voice to be real), Wash slipped out of his grasp. He could wait to shower.

"You've gone and scarred the poor kid," York called over from his locker, tossing his towel on top of Wyoming's head. "Leave 'im alone. He ain't steppin' foot in Florida after that. Besides, the one who should be callin' you daddy is no one in this room."

"There's enough daddy to go around," Florida chuckled, dropping his towel on the bench as he entered the showers. "Come on, ladies, finish it up! You've been in here twenty minutes and daddy needs a good wash." Florida glanced over his shoulder with a wink. Wash felt like he might be sick.

Wash couldn't believe he worked here. He ended up next to Maine, waiting for his turn in the shower (he was contemplating only coming to shower at night, when only North was wandering around the halls), looking over to the massive agent. "Can you believe them?"

As usual, a conversation with Maine was always so rewarding. He just grunted, pulled on a shirt, and walked out the door.

"It's amazing you got something out of him," York said over his shoulder, where he was packing up his bag and pulling on clean clothes. "Only here a few months and Maine made a noise at Wash. That deserves a party. Hey, get out of here-" He bumped Wyoming out of the way, towards the showers to join Florida.

North noticed the concerned look on Wash's face and patted him on the shoulder. "Florida's a big loyal, teddy bear. He talks it up, but he wouldn't look twice at you. Unless you're Wyoming, he's only interested in watching your back on a mission."

"Does Wyoming know that because sometime soon I think I might have my ass handed to me in my underwear," Wash mumbled weakly. He decided he would just come back for a shower after dinner.

"You'll be fine, kid. Many of us have felt the loving bear hug of Florida and lived to tell the tale," North assured him. He and his sister hauled out, heading to their respective rooms.

Wash looked over at York, who was lingering. "So I've noticed, I mean, you can tell me it's none of my business-"

"We make everything everyone's business, you might have guessed that already," York mused from his locker. "Go on."

"You all seem to, uh… Have paired off."

"Gets damn lonely up here," York replied. "Figured out the happy couples yet?"

Wash made an awkward hand motion towards the shower. "'Daddy' and Wyoming, I'm assuming."

"It really does sound creepy when people call him that," York laughed, nodding in agreement with Wash's assertion.

"CT and South," Wash mumbled, knowing all too well about them. He paused, looking at York. He could tell the other freelancer was waiting for his next answer. "Uh- uh… North and… and Carolina?"

"The only two people who can't stand to fuck each other on this ship," York mused, shaking his head. "I'm the lucky guy who gets to have two relationships. They're both mine. North and Carolina don't date."

"And they're okay with that?"

"As okay as they can be, knowing both of them. North takes it better than Carolina does, that's for sure. They stay out of each other's romance, and that's all I can ask of them." York zipped up his bag and tossed it in the locker. "Hunh, think about that. Just leaves you and Maine, don't it?"

Wash was left flabbergasted as York ruffled his hair and left him sitting on the bench, listening to the filthy sounds of Wyoming and Florida in the shower.

* * *

"Do you think Maine hates me?" Wash asked North. North was the only one he could think to trust with this vital information.

"Maine? Nah. Quiet is all he is. If he hated you you'd know it. I'd say he likes you," North mused, eyebrows arched as he munched on breakfast. "Made a noise at you yesterday. Took him almost year before he even so much as did his caveman grunt in my direction."

That didn't make Wash feel any better. He sighed, pushing his empty tray away. He stiffened up as Maine took the seat right beside him. He looked to North for help, who only smiled and shrugged.

"See, now I _know_ he likes you," North laughed, giving a casual look to Maine, who didn't look over. "Already sitting at the table together. Took South longer than that to get a caveman grunt." When Main gave him a look North wasn't even fazed. "Don't look at me like that, Maine, we're just playing. Wash is still getting used to the selective mute thing."

"That's not it, it's just- whatever. It's not like it matters anyway." Without even thinking Wash reached over onto Maine's tray and picked a sausage from the pile. Only when he was mid-bite did he realize what he'd done.

North seemed to freeze as well, snapping to look directly at Maine.

The behemoth of a man didn't speak, or make a noise even. He just picked up his tray and moved.

There was a heavy silence and Wash didn't know what to do with the sausage in his hand, half of it already in his stomach. North was the first one to speak up. "You know what happened to South the one time she tried to bum food off Maine without asking?"

"What?" Wash's voice trembled at the thought.

"Broke three ribs _through_ her armor."

"I'm going to die," Wash announced after a moment of thinking. "He's planning my murder right now."

North snorted and shook his head. "If he was going to kill you he would have done it when you touched his food. Maine doesn't get nasty unless you _take_ something from him. What I just saw? You might as well take whatever food off his tray you want. He's offering."

"He left, I don't think that's offering."

"You don't have a broken neck right now. He's offering."

* * *

"I am one hundred percent sure Maine despises me," Wash announced at breakfast the next day. Maine was nowhere to be found, and only CT and South were up that early for breakfast.

"He's fine," CT replied, shrugging off Wash's worries. Wash stared as she ate a link of breakfast sausage. Exactly like the kind that he'd stolen off Maine's plate. "You shouldn't whine so much about Maine hating you in front of South."

"Why?"

"Because he _actually_ doesn't like me," South snorted, then smirked as she stared at Wash. "Why are you so obsessed over the man beast hating you? Got a crush on him? Because if you do I know for a fact he loves a choice piece of ass."

A startled noise escaped Wash as she said that. "Of course not, I just- I just-"

"He's amazing at eating pussy, you know. I'm sure that extends to ass."

Wash pushed his tray of food away and exited the room. He was starting to feel lightheaded, anxious and tired and a conglomeration of other emotions.

South's brazen attempt at trying to shake him was working. He didn't do sex. He didn't talk about sex, he didn't think about sex in a way he found pleasant to himself. She knew he had an aversion, and he couldn't help but think that if North had been there he wouldn't have had to run. He felt like if anyone else had been there, had Carolina or York or hell, even Florida, maybe South wouldn't have said that.

He felt like the walls were closing in on him. These walls full of sex, full of things he didn't want to see, were rapidly shrinking around him.

Stumbling down the hallway, Wash tried to think of every escape route he could have taken before South had said that; why was it affecting him so badly? He didn't react this way when he saw people having sex, it was never like this before. Why now?

All he could think about was no, no, _no no no_ , Maine did not like him, Maine should hate him, he took his food, he should have broken his ribs, he should have been beaten down and hated.

And here was South saying Maine was good at giving head. He didn't like the thought process she had in mind. It made his chest tighten up, and not even in a romantic way.

He wasn't sure if his asthma just made the anxiety attack worse, or if the anxiety attack triggered his asthma.

Wash was slumped against the wall, gasping for air and holding his chest, looking quite pathetic, when he felt a hand the size of a ham on his shoulder. It rubbed, and soothed, and another hand moved to his chest. With two hands on opposite sides, rubbing in the same ways, spreading the warms and the rhythmic circles.

It still hurt to breathe, but the anxiety passed.

He looked over his shoulder at Agent Maine and felt instantly humiliated. "I was just- I can't- I was-"

Maine didn't speak, but he stared. The stare that made Wash want to be quiet. He stared with the kind of eyes that made Wash not want to move too quickly, or even meet for too long lest he propose a challenge. Wash gladly let himself be lead to see a medic, where he could breathe in an inhaler and calm down.

Maine didn't stick around to see if he was okay, and Wash preferred it that way.

* * *

"I'm sorry about what South did. That was shitty of her." North was leaning against the railing of the window that overlooked the training room. "If I had been there it wouldn't have happened."

"No lasting damage."

"They're making you carry an inhaler around now at all times, I think that's lasting damage."

Wash tried not to think about it. It had been a moment of weakness. He glanced down at the training room, where York and Maine were sparring. "Maine found me in a hallway and helped me to medics."

"I told you he liked you." North's reassuring smile didn't help. Not when his recent anxiety attack had been purely _about_ Maine liking him.

"I'm sure if he found your sister heaving and desperate to breathe he would have helped her to the medics."

"He probably did something else pretty special you're not telling me. You don't have to. I won't press. But if York finds out he's going to hound you."

Wash thought about how Maine had rubbed his back and his chest in soothing circles, how he had waited until Wash's wheezing had subsided before he urged him up straight on his feet, let him lean on his arm until they got to the medic's office.

"No, he just helped me to the medics."

* * *

Having the inhaler helped with the anxiety. Whenever Maine came into the room and the knot in his gut wouldn't subside he could take out his inhaler and breathe in for five seconds. It helped calm him down, just by knowing he would be able to breathe.

"How's Admiral Steroids?"

"South, don't. You're the reason he needs that thing."

"Oh please, he breathes in whenever the hell Maine comes in the room. Don't you pay attention at all? He's always needed that thing, now he just has it in his pocket for whenever his boyfriend comes in the room."

Wash took a five second puff on his inhaler.

"And that one was all you. Stop it, South."

"Notice he only needed it when I mentioned Maine."

"Notice he only needed it because you insinuated they were boyfriends. You know how he feels about that stuff."

He took a seven second inhale just for the stress. He didn't care about heart palpitations; hell, he welcomed them at this point. Anything to get them to stop dogging him about romance, and Maine. "You can stop talking about me." His voice sounded dry as he set down his inhaler. He hoped he didn't need it again. He had already gone through more than he was proud of.

Instead of stop talking about him, North and South took their conversation elsewhere. He sighed and rubbed at his temple. It was getting harder to wear his armor out and about, since his armor restricted his chest, and with all the anxiety he had been needing his inhaler.

A plastic tube, five inches tall and an inch and a half across was placed in front of him. Wash looked up to find Maine standing over him. When he picked up the tube he found it was full of lotion. "What?"

Maine pointed to the bottle, then patted his chest, as if indicating where the salve should go. It clicked easily for Wash.

"Oh, no, no, it's not the asthma. It's..." It's the anxiety of a seven foot tall beast of a man being so kind, in his own way, and everyone joking about Wash having sex with him. "It's the anxiety."

Maine only nodded to him in understanding. Wash held out the bottle, assuming he would want it back. Maine didn't even acknowledge it as he walked away.

When he rubbed it on his chest the salve set deep in his skin and made a smell that made him want to breathe easier. It worked wonders.

* * *

With his asthma under control Wash found the anxiety was helped too. Being able to breathe without fear lead to less anxiety, who knew. He was back ready to start sparring and training again.

"Come to watch your boyfriend spar again?" York teased, nudging Wash with his elbow.

"Don't call him that. We're friendly. That's it. And I'm sparring today. With CT."

"You know he's a great lay? Right?" The words out of York's mouth made Wash freeze up. "Wild beast between the sheets. Didn't walk straight for a week. Neither of us."

Wash's hands shook as he pulled his helmet over his head. "We're just friendly."

"Friendly here means fucking."

"We're one step below friendly then." Wash put up a hand, not allowing York to continue. He looked over his should and groaned as he saw Florida and Wyoming on one of the lunch tables. "You're all a bunch of animals here."

Wash clipped his breast plate into place and turned away, heading down to the sparring ring. He wasn't going to let their pandering get to him this time. He and Maine were friendly. Maine had done him a couple favors. Maine seemed to have warmed up to him more than others, but that didn't mean Maine wanted to have sex with him.

That was a bad thought to have.

He sparred just fine, until he saw Maine watching from the balcony. CT had his ass in the ringer from that moment on.

His asthma kicked up, but only because CT had kicked him in the chest. She didn't seem to get the point of "stop" when he was wheezing on the ground. He was about to curl into a ball, to minimize the flyaway attacks she couldn't real in fast enough before he was hoisted into the air.

No funny business, no jokes, no laughing. Maine hoisted him right up on his arm and carried him back up to the balcony. Wash was so embarrassed he felt nauseous. That may have been the asthma.

No one said a thing. The first thing the giant man did was take Wash's helmet off with such gentle hands it was hard to believe who was touching him. Then, Maine reached into one of Wash's hip compartments and found his inhaler, closing Wash's fingers around it securely. Maine didn't baby, but he sure as hell hovered.

One five second inhale. Maine was still staring at him. Wash almost took another inhale just because Maine was staring at him, waiting for him to do more.

He was starting to feel dizzy. He set the inhaler down and took a few deep breaths, glad to find he could actually breathe. "I'm okay," he said, coughing up an awful noise. Maine didn't look convinced, but he took a step back to give Wash his space. Wash appreciated that.

No one said a word until Maine left the room, and then Wash felt like the entire project was crowding him. North was the only one who seemed to take into account that he might not want a bunch of people hovering around his space, closing him in.

"Hey, hey, give him some room," North said, one hand on Wash's back and the other shooing people a couple feet back. "You okay?" North was there to give the verbal reassurance that Maine didn't. "CT really beat you up out there."

"How was I supposed to kn-" CT was quickly shut up by Carolina, who muscled through the throng to stand in front of him.

"Are you going to be okay to get back out there?"

Wash nodded, reaching for his helmet. "I'm good."

* * *

"Maine likes you."

It was from Carolina that Wash _really_ hadn't been expecting this spiel. He groaned and just tried to focus on his food. "I really don't need to hear this from you, too. York and South are always on my ass about it anyway." The two had teamed up to tell him all of the ways Maine was "amazing" at sex. It had produced several anxiety attacks already- not that they were around to see them. He had retreated to his chambers for every one. He didn't want another fiasco over him like at the sparring match.

"That's not what I mean. They have assumptions. I have knowledge." Carolina crossed her arms and smirked at him. She had taken her helmet off for whatever reason and was looking him dead in the eyes. "Maine likes you."

"What do you mean knowledge?"

"As in, Maine told me."

"He talks to you?"

"Maine talks a lot, in his own way. You just have to ask the right questions." Carolina leaned her elbows on the table between them and leaned forward. "Sometimes it's not always with words, but he told me this with sentences. In English. Believe it or not."

"What did he say?" Wash found himself waiting with bated breath. Ever since the sparring incident before, when Maine had so gingerly helped him with his asthma attack he had found himself gravitating even more towards the other agent. Not in a remotely sexual, or even romantic way now that he thought about it. But he found himself sitting at the table Maine sat at whenever they were in the cafeteria together, and he found himself reading an outdated newspaper with Maine across from him eating breakfast, he found himself saying a few sentences out loud, to Maine, knowing he wouldn't get an answer back, when no one else was in the room to react. He was starting to feel so _comfortable_ around Maine.

He didn't want that to change.

"He told me he likes you. I think he may have also blushed a bit, too," Carolina teased. She shook her head. "He told me he was glad he found someone so alike him in the project."

Wash's heart jumped into his throat. "And- and what does _that_ mean?"

"He only said two sentences to me. I'm not a mind reader. Do you want literal translation? I'll give you a direct quote: 'I like him. We're alike.' There's not much to get out of that, Washington." Carolina rose to her feet and shook her head again. "I think you two would be cute together."

Wash didn't like that Carolina seemed to have joined the ranks of team 'convince Wash to bang Maine.'

* * *

After a successful mission, the agents liked to celebrate. Lots of booze, and lots of sex. Wash could do without the second one, but he was more than happy for the first. After six beers, he was tired enough to pass out on the nearest soft surface.

The nearest soft surface was Maine.

He slumped against the man, already half asleep, mumbling about resting his eyes. Maine didn't say a thing, and just put an arm around his shoulders. In the back of his head, Wash felt like he was making a right ass of himself. In the front, all he could think about was how warm Maine was. The front of his head won out.

Maine picked him up when the party was winding down. He didn't throw Wash over his shoulder, like he thought the man would. Maine picked him up like a child, supporting his entire body, letting Wash rest his head on his shoulder.

When Maine tucked him into bed, about to leave him, Wash grumbled something under his breath and gripped Maine's arm. "Don't leave. It gets lonely here."

In the morning he woke up to Maine's heated form curled around him. Wash's face was red as a beet and checked himself over. He was definitely in different clothes than he had been during the party, but he knew they hadn't had sex. Maine had dressed him for bed, and then spooned him all night at Wash's request.

Wash decided to lay there a little longer. Maine was warm, and it felt good to lean against him. Wash didn't think there was any harm in it.

As they laid there, Maine snoring softly (Wash never took him for one who snored, it was so sweet, so unusual, so _normal_ ), Wash tried not to think about all the things South and York had told him just to rattle him. Maine hadn't touched him inappropriately, and had been more than gracious enough to stay with him when he asked.

Wash tried not to think about how he might like Maine too.

* * *

Wash definitely _did_ like Maine, and that was why he tried so hard to ignore him. Maine did nice things for him, got him extra sausage at breakfast (because of all the shitty food they had, at least Wash liked the sausage), Maine would set a newspaper in front of the seat beside him, Maine would look at him while he talked and nod along, and sometimes make small noises.

Wash felt like he should be doing things for Maine too. He didn't know what Maine liked. He didn't know what extra food to give him, Maine didn't read newspapers, and Maine never talked. Wash had absolutely no idea how to show Maine he liked him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. South and York had put him through enough trauma to make him think all the things they said about Maine were true.

Wash was reading the newspaper with Maine sitting beside him when South sat in front of them. "Well, well, well. Look at the new lovers together. Like an older married couple."

Wash was about to tell her off when Maine growled at her. His heart nearly exploded as he heard it. South jumped and stared at Maine.

"Alright, alright. I'm leaving. Sheesh, you're so protective. He's just some dumb kid."

Maine was about to get up, and Wash grabbed his arm. "Don't." South was allowed to leave in one piece. Wash didn't want a fight on his hands. South said a lot of things, and he didn't want Maine to get in trouble just because she was running her mouth again.

Maine didn't relax until South was out of the room. He grunted and looked back down at his food.

"Hey." The only indication he had gained Maine's attention was the twitch in his arm. "You do a lot of really nice things for me, and-" The words caught in his throat. "And I just wanted to say if you want anything… I'm more than happy to help." He wasn't offering sexual availability. He wasn't. If that was what Maine thought, he would probably scream. He was offering… What was he offering?

Maine turned to stare at him, and Wash got that feeling that reminded him of a scared animal. He didn't want to move too quickly. He didn't want to meet Maine's gaze. He gasped as Maine put an arm around his shoulders, and pulled him against his chest.

"Okay."

Wash's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he heard that. He didn't know what to do besides blubber out a noise that sounded like a parrot of what Maine had said. _Maine had spoken to him_.

When he woke up in the medical wing, North told him he fainted.

* * *

Maine never asked anything of him. Or rather, Maine never insinuated or made any motions that made it look like Maine wanted anything of him. Wash was starting to wonder what the hell it had meant when Maine spoke to him. That had to be a big deal, right?

He didn't tell anyone what happened. When anyone asked what made him faint, he told them it as an asthma attack. Only half of them bought it, but no one bothered to find out the real reason.

Maine was nowhere to be found when everyone came to visit him in the infirmary. He didn't take it too hard. Maine had probably carried him there, he had done more than his fair share.

Wash was growing accustomed to sitting beside Maine at breakfast and dinner (Maine never showed up to lunch), and he worried when Maine wasn't there for dinner.

Maine was there at breakfast the next day and grunted to Wash, in a way that sounded oddly apologetic. Wash just grunted an, "it's fine" and kept looking at the paper that was still too hard to read on one cup of coffee.

They ate breakfast together like nothing had happened. Wash liked that.

* * *

Maine had nightmares.

Wash knew that because they all had nightmares. His own often made him sit up at night and cry into his hands. But Maine's nightmares could only be the thing of darkness because when Maine showed up outside his door with dark eyes and darker bags beneath them he knew what to do.

He opened the door wider, and motioned for Maine to come in. He realized the importance of silence in moments like these, especially to Maine.

The bed was cramped, and Wash thought about when Maine had slept beside him after the party. Maine didn't seem to mind. He held Wash tight, arms wrapped around him like a python. Wash found his head resting in the crook of Maine's shoulder, and he couldn't find himself moving any time soon.

In the morning Maine was up before him, but he didn't move. Maine made a soft, huffy noise, and Wash groaned. He didn't want to wake up.

Maine was spelling out words on his back with a rough finger.

 _Thank you_.

Wash let out a long breath and smiled into Maine's shoulder. "You're welcome. Let's go get coffee."

* * *

Wash kissed Maine first. Maine smiled at him when he got embarrassed and flustered. He tousled Wash's hair and leaned down to kiss him back. That was the end of that anxiety inducing thought.

"Are we dating now?"

Maine shrugged at him. Wash had a feeling that meant it was up to him.

"I'd like it if we were dating." The words came out before he could stop them. He covered his face with both hands, wondering if that was the right thing to say. He looked up when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Maine was looking at him with eyes that, for once, didn't make him feel like prey.

"I'd- I'd really like it if we were dating." Wash had never spoken truer words.

Maine nodded to him and kissed him again. It felt good.

Someone started clapping, and Wash pulled away to see York in the doorway. He sighed, knowing what was to come.

"Congrats on finally pairing up. South owes me twenty bucks. Someone make me a cup of coffee." York sat down in a chair and relaxed. Wash decided he would be the one to pour York a cup of coffee.

* * *

Wash had a nightmare he and Maine had sex. He woke up heaving and eyes hot and swollen from crying. He entirely forgot Maine was in the bed with him and nearly thrashed when the other agent touched him.

Maine gave him his space. Wash was grateful for that. At any other time he would have welcomed a hand on his shoulder during an anxiety attack, but after that dream he wanted nothing more than to be completely untouched.

When he came down from his attack, he looked to Maine with a shaky breath and watery eyes, croaking out, "You don't want to have sex, right?"

Maine cocked an eyebrow and gave Wash a once-over. Wash felt like he was being inspected like a piece of meat. When Maine reached out to touch him he spoke again, unable to stay silent.

"Please say we don't have to have sex. Please."

Maine put a hand on his shoulder and stared him in the eyes. Wash wasn't prepared to be pulled against his chest. The smell of soap helped him calm down. Maine wasn't talking, and Maine was hugging him, and Maine was rubbing his back in soothing circles, and everything felt infinitely better.

"South and York kept saying all these things about you and- and… sex." Wash swallowed the lump in his throat. "And I didn't want to like you at first, because-" He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. "Because I don't do sex."

"South is gay."

Wash certainly hadn't been expecting that. He looked up at Maine, who was looking at him with something nothing short of amusement.

It all clicked.

"Right… South is gay." South didn't like men. South didn't like men like _Maine_.

"They. Were making fun of me. The entire time."

Maine nodded along with him. Through all the realizations, Wash could only think, "You don't do sex either." He had never seen Maine with anyone, and at this point he had memorized everyone's genitals, as disgusting as it was.

Maine nodded again, and Wash saw a smile. He couldn't believe he had been so foolish, and now- now he was so relieved. He let out a deep breath and leaned against Maine's chest.

"I am going to kill them."


End file.
